Stop Asking If She Said No

Just... don't

Did you say no?

This is at the heart of questioning when a woman says she was raped or sexually assaulted. Not, how terrible. No, I’m sorry (unless you’re talking to a therapist). No, how terribly unfortunate you encountered a man who uses sexual violence.

It almost always circles back to the woman and what she did or did not do. It’s almost as if the man doesn’t exist.

But he does. Even if he disappears after.

The survivor is often left reeling from the attack and then has to field questions about her own culpability.

The woman is on trial - for something she did not do.

I have been reading memoirs lately. I’m halfway through Chanel Miller’s Know my Name. One aspect of her story that struck me was that she was unconscious during the attack and the perpetrator was seen being sexual with her while she was unconscious. The witnesses actively challenged him, chased him and held him down. All while she was unconscious. And, at trial, still she was asked how much she had to drink, forced to reco…