I’ve dated a few men since my sexual assault a few years ago and I’ve learned I still have healing to do.
So does society, and men who date women.
I say a “few” to stress this is not a large sample. Let’s say I’ve been extremely hesitant when dating since I seemingly threw cautious to the wind when I dated “casually” and somehow ended up with a violent man. But this post is not about taking all the responsibility for what happened to me as it seems people so often want to blame the woman:
Why did she date him?
Why did she act like that?
Why was she dressed like that?
These are still questions posed of women about their assaults, as if the woman’s negligence or “provocative” actions made it happen to her. She must’ve caused it somehow.
Because men are fine.
Society insists on it. Men highlight it so as not to associate themselves with any hint of violence. There’s a tacit agreement1 that it’s only a few “bad apples” who hide in bushes and attack unsuspecting women who have the audacity to walk alone at night2. Those are the bad guys. But the rest? They are a-okay upstanding guys.
Men are not fine. Okay, I won’t generalize: a lot of men are not fine (I feel pressured to say #notallmen so I don’t lose my male readers - stick with me, guys). I say all this with love in my heart. I love being in the presence of men. I enjoy men, their energy, their strength, their playfulness, their desire to help women and the children entrusted to them. Men have many wonderful qualities so to be clear this is not a post blaming men either.
Instead, I am blaming the patriarchal3 structures that have hurt both women and men.
The men I dated, the men who still need work? Here are some of the comments I received when I told them what happened to me :
Did you say no?
Did you see him after?
Did you see any red flags?
And my personal favorite: Wherever did you meet this guy? (Um, the same place I met you!)
Do you see a theme here?
All these questions point to my own flaws and limitations – at perceiving, assessing, choosing, not speaking. Not at the man who was violent. It’s almost as if I drove out to a sketchy part of town, walked into a dark alley, saw a man living there holding a sign over his head that said “rapist” and went right to him. Yeah, okay, I’ll take this violent man.
Ridiculous, right? How is it my fault that I ended up with a violent man? And why is no one saying, “I’m so sorry, what an asshole! Why are there such terrible men?” (Actually, one man did, my oldest friend who also happens to be my ex-husband4, who I finally told on the second anniversary of the rape. He remains the only non-therapist to have responded with appropriate anger on my behalf.)
But my favorite poor response came from the man I was dating who ironically had the most positive impact on my healing post-rape: Whenever will you get over it?
Then he ghosted me.
When will I get over it?
Um, when I meet a man who I can talk to, who does not try to fix me, but will sit with my emotions when they come up, when I am with a man who offers safety in relationship, and that means physical, sexual, mental, and emotional.
Men, women, and emotions
I’ve learned that men aren’t good with emotion, generally. Until they get angry.
Neither are women for that matter. Many of us struggle with accessing our emotions as we have been shamed by a society that tells us expressing ourselves makes us “crazy”5 - when in fact we only become “crazy” after we’ve been shut down repeatedly from expressing emotions that are often reasonable responses to unreasonable circumstances. And then it all degrades rapidly, since once a woman finally accesses her emotion, most notably, anger - and frankly, most women need to access more of their anger - men can become overwhelmed. And then they erupt.
“Powerful emotions like anger, fear, and grief are reasonable responses to unreasonable circumstances.”
But when men erupt, it is scarier, especially for a woman who has experienced violence at the hands of a man. In that moment of his anger, she might not be able to speak, or breathe. She might shake. She might cry. She might express a range of traumatic responses6 as the man stands there dumbfounded, wondering why she is so emotional, why she can’t just get it together. Because for him, being angry works, it’s how he expresses his manhood, his strength. He doesn’t want to seem weak, or soft. Even with a woman he likes or even loves. And then he blames the woman for making a “big deal out of nothing.”
“When men erupt, it is scary.”
It’s not nothing. That’s the point. A woman needs to know she is safe with a man, especially when she’s been the victim of intimate partner violence7. When a man becomes angry and loud, she doesn’t feel safe.
By then, the scene has escalated and it’s too late. They go to their corners, the woman unsure and scared and the man frustrated and feeling blamed for something he didn’t cause in the first place, but ended up making worse due to his lack of knowledge, or insensitivity, and perhaps his own emerging shame.
The facts:
1 in 6 women have had the experience of attempted or completed rape8.
Over 98% of perpetrators are men.9
These are statistics. These are not made up. These are the inconvenient truths that society has a hard time grasping, is in denial of, and wants survivors to sweep under the rug.
I did. Sure I did. Who wants to talk about rape? I don’t. Rape only happens to other women, not me. It happens to weak women, women who don’t know what they’re doing. Wait a second, who actually knows what they’re doing? If people knew what they were doing, there would not be so many books on relationships and sex and attachment styles; there wouldn’t be millions of followers for Insta-therapists. There would not be magazines selling sex and love on their front covers for decades. There wouldn’t be so many women saying #metoo.
Enough people are struggling to figure out the battle of the sexes, which shouldn’t be a battle against each other, but should be against the harmful cultural myths keeping us apart and breeding ongoing violence within our relationships.
For sure, some couples know what they are doing. Perhaps they are the blessed ones who grew up with emotionally available parents and found each other so they have “securely” attached10 relationships. Or they are blessed by being hard workers who dealt with their stuff, who worked together to communicate because they love each other, even if they started out with insecure attachment styles, and made their way to secure. I do acknowledge that.
But many don’t. And it harms women who have been sexually assaulted to have it pointed out that they should have been stronger, should have known better, that they should get over it, as if we can control our damaged nervous systems11 in the wake of extreme violence.
We are not weak for our responses; we are strong for having survived.
Pushing it all down…
As a clinical counselor, I have unique insight into people’s psyches and I’ve noticed certain themes come up repeatedly. One is the theme of shutting down with male clients. There’s a fear or unwillingness to feel emotions and if they choose to continue with therapy, the pervading view is to “rip this thing open and fix it.” And that leads to the other theme I see.
The violence men have towards themselves and their own emotional experience.
The choices for men seems to be these: shut it down, push it down, don’t feel it (and use whatever tactics help to distract: overwork, alcohol, sex, women, gaming, hobbies, among other things12). Or, when it gets too painful or too much or someone they don’t want to lose says it’s damaging their relationship, or they’ve reached the end of their rope, seek help.
This is a cultural issue. This is a result of patriarchal views that tell men they are not allowed to feel “weak” emotions like fear and sadness and hurt. But they are allowed anger. That’s “manly.” When men cannot handle “softer, weaker” feelings, whether coming from inside themselves or from a woman they love, their reaction is often anger, then shut down. For women who feel, women who are biologically programmed to create relationship and bond with others, who seek unity, the shut down hurts. When women’s "weak" emotions of hurt or fear are dismissed by men who have not addressed the harm of the patriarchy within themselves, we are rejected for the very nature that makes men love us in the first place - our emotional warmth. If a man has not looked at the harm done to him through his societal conditioning, to have compassion for himself, to allow himself his "weak" feelings, how can he support the woman in his life when she expresses the very emotions he denies in himself?
Essentially, he cannot.
Women need safety from the men in our lives. Women who have been raped are especially attuned to the slightest unprocessed or unhinged anger that lurks beneath a man’s charming exterior.
We need safety because being safe was taken from us. Our entire Self, our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual self13, was destroyed by a man’s rage. And then, this Self was consciously rebuilt through painstaking effort. By us, the women, the victims. Often alone, by ourselves, through deep reflection, maybe the support of a therapist14, maybe15 helpful friends, and heaps of self-compassion and self-forgiveness in a world that continues to blame us for it even happening in the first place. And then this same world and the men who inhabit it, are upset when we remind them of it.
“Our entire Self, our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual self, was destroyed by a man’s rage.”
How do we know we can trust you when you turn away and refuse to act like you’re a safe person to be around?
A Life test to consider…
“Between Stimulus and Response There Is a Space. In That Space Is Our Power To Choose Our Response.” (attributed to Viktor Frankl)16
Whenever you find yourself reacting with anger at your partner (stimulus), take a moment to pause, say go for a walk (take space), and when you’re ready with the course of action that feels most beneficial for both of you, return to your partner (respond). If you just react with the first thing that comes to mind, you can hurt. If you react and pause by going away and not returning to the conversation, to the person, you hurt, almost definitely. But if you return after thoughtful consideration, and respond, there can be an addition to the prescription laid out by Frankl: repair. If the couple returns together, and they try to listen to each other’s responses, there can be repair to the relationship. It is in repair that healing can come about for a couple. And a renewal of their love.
React…. Pause… Response… and Repair
Dealing with trauma recovery for the survivor as well as for the man loving her is challenging. After all, no good, if flawed, man wants to worry that you’ll think he is violent. He doesn’t want any association to a prior man’s terrible act. So he doesn’t want to deal with it and instead gets angry and pushes her away. But it is not the way forward.
“A man doesn’t want any association to a prior man’s terrible act.”
Allowing ourselves to feel the full range of emotion and learn to communicate effectively is the way.
As long as men are attracted to women and vice versa, we need a way to allow both the freedom to be who we are. We also need to accept that sexual violence is a real factor in many women’s past relationships. Men don’t need to be perfectly sensitive and always getting it right. No need to feel like a failure if they make a mistake. But to have a healthy relationship with a woman, they do need to attune17 to her so she can feel safe.
Men, you are allowed the full range of your feelings, from hurt to grief to anger to… yes, joy too. Say that three times.
Men, You are responsible for how your actions affect the women in your lives.
Women, it is okay for you to feel.
Women, it is okay for you to prioritize your safety and that includes who you decide to let into your life.
And sisters in healing, survivors: You are entitled to feel safe in your relationships. Wouldn’t it be nice to know, deep in our hearts and bodies, that when we are with a man, it is safe here?
And men, loving women who have been harmed: Don’t you want to help her feel safe?
To all of us, men and women harmed by a patriarchal structure pitting us against one another, remember how we all started….
Did you catch that? Another example of how it’s the woman’s fault.
Interview with Terry Real on patriarchy: patriarchy, “a rigid dichotomy”. “Traditionally, men are supposed to be strong and feel independent, unemotional, logical and confident. Women are supposed to be expressive, nurturant, weak and dependent. One of the things I say about those traditional gender roles is they don't make anybody happy and they don't make for intimacy.”
I will not be discussing my ex-husband out of respect for him and his privacy.
Yes, “crazy” is a horrible put-down men use to dismiss and disparage women. Often, a man using this word succeeds in making a woman stop herself from expressing her emotions and thoughts just so she will not be associated with the label.
These are common PTS responses.
A recent Guardian article cited U.N. research on data from 2021 on femicide: “A report, published on Wednesday, showed that 45,000 women and girls – more than half (56%) of the 81,100 murdered last year worldwide – were killed by their husband, partner or other relative.”
RAINN statistics: “1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed, 2.8% attempted).”
The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (2010 Summary Report): “Most perpetrators of all forms of sexual violence against women were male. For female rape victims, 98.1% reported only male perpetrators. Additionally, 92.5% of female victims of sexual violence other than rape reported only male perpetrators.”
Attachment theory in a nutshell.
Trauma following sexual violence. “The world doesn’t feel like a safe place anymore. You no longer trust others. You don’t even trust yourself. You may question your judgment, your self-worth, and even your sanity.”
Some distractions go beyond fun and enter the realm of destructive coping strategies.
Theory of the Self I learned in my first course on counseling theories in graduate school.
If you can afford it or are seen at a rape crisis center with increasing longer wait lists.
Friends aren’t always there, even if your friends are social workers, psychologists, or counselors (just saying).
While you’ll find this quote attributed to Frankl all over the Internet, a search revealed it may have originated from existential therapist Rollo May via Stephen Covey.
Terry Real talks of men learning empathy: “When I counsel men, I advise them that before you speak to a woman, stop and think about what it's going feel like to them. I call that ‘remedial empathy.’ Stop and think about what this is going to feel like and ask yourself, ‘Is this respectful or is it disrespectful?’ If you're not clear, ask.”