I am curious – how do you handle your dark days?
I went through my own this past weekend – maybe it was the January blahs, maybe it was exhaustion, or maybe it was the ongoing pressure of knowing that website traffic for my primary business decreased well before Christmas and I had no clue why. Or maybe it was caused by other personal matters preoccupying me. It’s hard to say which of these issues prompted my response. All I know is I entered a dark space that was hard to shake.
Part of my work as an emotion-focused therapist is to support clients in accessing their feelings. It may happen during the session, or it may be an exploration of their personal struggle dealing with painful emotions in between sessions. We talk, we tune in, we feel.
It is how I support others.
But you might wonder, what does the therapist do when she feels the darker, more painful, emotions?
Before I share how I dealt with them this past weekend, let’s first discuss what emotions actually are.
A Lesson in Being Human
Lesson 1: We have Feelings (wait, what?!)
As humans, we have emotions. A range of emotion. Most of us would like to believe that our task is to only feel “good” emotions - happiness, joy, pleasure. Of course, these emotions feel better. No one’s denying that.
But our range looks something like this. [Cue graphic]1
Yes, the happy emotions - the joy, pride, loving, curious and peaceful ones - are more pleasant. Of course. And it’s because our emotional needs are being met. But we cannot deny the rest. We cannot deny our fear, disgust, anger, sadness, or shame, when our needs are not being met. These are part of our human experience even if we try to cover them up. The more we deny these darker emotions, the more we deny our very humanity. The more we suppress our true nature in all its colorful range of expression, the more energy we expend as we push those emotions down. And this can deplete us over time.
“We cannot deny fear, disgust, anger, sadness, or shame. These are part of our humanity.”
But whatever do we do with these painful emotions?
Mini Master Class on Emotion
In graduate school,2 we discussed the theory of emotion. We debated what emotions are and discussed what emotions need.
1. What is an emotion?
An emotion is a response to something. Emotions always follow a cause.
Think about that for a moment. Emotions are a response. Something happened before that created an emotion in us. It may be so fast, from cause (what happened) to response (emotion), but there is some cause and effect.
Can you see how emotions are logical?
Wait - emotions have logic?
Is that not a radical thought?
Sometimes, when someone expresses emotion, they might be called irrational or overly emotional. And yes, to others, they might seemingly “overreact” because the cause may be complex and not as simple as A causes B. The reaction is not “over;” in fact, it is lingering beyond and there can be several reasons for this.
Simple example: I bang my knee on the coffee table. I cry out in (physical) pain. Then I might shed tears because of the shock and resulting injury. So this is a physical example to demonstrate the cause (hit knee) and response (crying).
Emotion (more complex) example: But if someone yells at me, and I start crying, there’s a cause and effect. Depending on my circumstances, if I have a history of abuse, I may be particularly sensitive. So while the yelling (not a great communication method in any case) is one action (the cause), the resulting emotions (response) can come from this instance or long ago or a combination of the two (hence, multiple causes).
What this points to is that we don’t always know what the cause is, especially in the moment. Sometimes there are layers, as in the yelling example above. Sometimes it takes time to reflect on the emotions coming up to really grasp what is emotion resulting from a current situation and what is from the past. And I’d argue that the older you are, the more layers there are in a response. Since we humans are complex, it stands to reason that the more experiences we have, the more layers we have.3
Which brings me to the second point:
2. What do emotions need?
Emotions have needs. They need:
to be expressed
to be validated and understood
to be attached to the right thing*
One of the fears clients sometimes have when starting therapy is that if they start crying, they will never stop. This fear can block the processing of grief and loss. It can be scary to be with our tears because it can feel like a deep cavern of pain has opened up and won’t close.
But being in the presence of someone who supports our expression of emotion allows us to feel validated and understood (addressing the first two needs of emotion). This is how we are witnessed.
*The third reason is the foundation of the Theory of Emotion: the right emotion has to be attached to the right thing. This concept is more complex, as it can take time to figure out which emotion is attached to the right thing (this is why therapy exists!), but a simple example might help. If you’re mad at your boss, and come home and snap at your partner, did your partner cause it? No, you’re actually angry with your boss. So perhaps you may be able to see how your anger is being directed at the wrong person. Same with emotion. Our emotions need to be attached to right thing in order to process and release them.
So, Faith, what about all this crying? Does it ever stop?
The odd thing is that if you allow emotional expression, yes, it eventually does. Maybe not when you expect, maybe after more tears than you care to admit pour out. But it will - if you hang in there, if you find ways to nurture yourself in the process, and don’t pressure yourself. Really be with your feelings, as they do pass. They do flow.
How I Handled my Dark Days
For me, when the dark feelings came this past weekend, I began by tuning in. I tried to notice what was going on first. I got curious about my changed emotional experience. I knew I felt “off.” So I began with trying to separate the emotions I was feeling from the Wiser Me. I remembered something rather important. I remembered that I am not my feelings, even when they overpowered me. It was a challenge but in focusing on being curious, I asked:
Am I feeling irritated or restless? (Naming it)
Where do I feel it in my body? (Acknowledging the physical experience)
Is it a heaviness? (Measuring the depth and weight of it)
What thoughts are prompting these deep emotions? (Noticing my mind’s activity)
At one point, I put my hand on my chest because that was where tightness and pain was centered. I tuned in. I allowed myself to feel into that tightness and breathe.
This was when tears came.
Grief can take many forms. And there can be new grief layered over old grief. And sometimes we reach that vulnerable part where we need to feel it all, even if it’s hard.
Many self-care ideas suggest sunshine, exercise, eating right and drinking lots of water and talking to a close friend. These are all good ideas, but sometimes they are not possible. Sometimes the feelings are so deep you just have to feel them and not distract yourself or avoid them.
Sometimes you can’t get up. Sometimes exercise is impossible. Sometimes you’ve lost your close friend.
But for me, the more I tuned into myself, the more I sorted out what I needed.
I wrote in my journal, writing until no more words came. I let the tears come, let them all flow through me, until it was over, and I felt empty. I napped. Then, I could get up and do something. And my choice was simply to go to a store just to get out, be out.
But when I got home, the tears returned, later and again. And I let them come. Again and again.
At some point, they stopped. And then I was able to find a way to take action.
After We Feel, Then We Can Do
Sometimes we need help and that changes everything for us. Such is what occurred for me on Sunday. After processing my emotions, I asked for help and received guidance on my business, and then I was able to do what I needed to do.
I spent five hours correcting oversights I didn’t realize were there. Once I’d cleared my emotions out, I could now focus. What I learned was that a major feeder business that impacted the traffic into my own website launched a new website two months ago and I missed it somehow. I missed the launch and the new features, such as all-important links that directed traffic to my own website. And so my oversight meant I didn’t reach the people who wanted what I offered since appropriate links weren’t set up. In learning from my mistake, I corrected all links, improved my message, and refocused my energy on reconnecting what had been disconnected.
Basically, I fixed it.
I don’t think I could’ve fixed my mistake if I hadn’t allowed myself to feel my emotions and allow them to pass through me. Because up till then, I was feeling rather “locked” and perhaps somewhat frozen. Much of my energy was being consumed by this emotional state. It was only after I processed my emotion that I could focus and do what needed to be done.
Cultivating Compassion for Self
I made an error, a pretty big one without even knowing it.
Even so, looking at what I’ve missed these past couple of months could have sent me into a downward spiral of shame. After all, the cause was my own doing. But I circumvented that potential descent into self-blame with self-compassion, an attitude I have been cultivating for several years. I mean, what choice do I have? I can’t go back. As well, when I investigated further, I saw that my oversight was due in part to the unfortunate timing of the business feeder’s website launch.
Their launch happened to coincide with several concurrent issues in my personal life. The changes occurred at a time when I was still in a rather disorganized chaos from my recent move with continual disruptions at the house. I also ended a relationship (I talk a bit about it here) and soon after had that upsetting experience on the dance floor. In the aftermath of loss, a difficult move, and the trigger of my trauma, I missed something important: the email that told me about the launch so that I could ensure traffic to my website was maintained or increased, instead of the opposite.
But I didn’t see it.
Such is the task when you are overwhelmed by life and still healing from trauma. You sometimes miss things because you can be thrown off track. If too much is happening at once, you can miss things that are obvious to others. Your resourcing isn’t as strong even as you try to remain focused on moving on from a chaos you never thought you’d survive. And then the things you’re not paying attention to because you assume all is working fall off. And you don’t even know it.
“Such is the task when you are in healing from trauma. You sometimes miss things because you can be thrown off track.”
Put me in a room with someone’s deep despair and I know what to do. I am there, supporting, empathizing, understanding that deep dark internal space, a comprehension that provides comfort and a witness for my clients, and makes me good at what I do.
But some nebulous marketing mishap that comes out of nowhere? Nope, can’t see it.
But what I learned were two things:
1. When something you’ve been counting on for years stops working, don’t assume. Verify. Go back to the source and investigate. Sometimes a business changed major things that impacted you and you didn’t even realize it.
2. Process those dark emotions, so you can release the energy and then take action by thinking clearly and executing a plan.
Then, after a good sleep, there will be a new day.
Following your Inner Guide
On Monday, I woke and while it was “gym day” I realized I needed some self-care and not the kind of pushing my physical limits (even though I hadn’t gone in five days). I turned away from the “shoulds” and followed my inner guide. I was called to the ocean, a very particular walk in a very particular location. Even though it was a Monday morning, traditionally for most people, a morning of “should’s”, I chose myself.
I went for that walk. Despite the fact that most of the people walking along that stretch of ocean were retired folks who “earned” their relaxed Monday morning walk, I strode along in peace.
I didn’t feel I had to earn anything.
The dark days were done.
The sun was hit-and-miss, but it was a clear day, with the water a bit choppy. Emotionally, I was clear, no more tears, pain, or darkness inside. I was satisfied with the work I’d done to repair my error and believed in a new day, a new direction.
After my walk I drove to one of my favorite coffee shops and parked outside. I looked out, then headed across the street for a door I’d never been through before. And inside the people were warm and welcoming, even saying I looked relaxed and calm (if only they knew my weekend!).
And I asked a question I had been wanting to ask for a while.
I don’t know if anything will come of it, if this is the direction I need to take in my work and within my community, but I began. I saw a fresh path. I left feeling excited and hopeful.
Calm and hope returned means I’ve walked out of the dark days into something new, another option, something that may create light.
What’s important to note is just because I came out of it in flow, calm and hopeful, doesn’t mean tomorrow will be. There will be another dark day. Hopefully not for a while. But what I’ve learned as a therapist and my own lived experience is this: riding your flow of emotion is the key to emotional health (and I’m talking in private, not lashing out in anger at others to be clear4). It is not being “happy” all the time, nor is it forcing a stagnant neutral mood.
It is in being honest with yourself, even through the pain. Do I enjoy it? No. But as I released the pain and longing, I held onto the faint wisp of the idea that it will pass, even if it felt far away.
I held on while letting go.
Such is life.
Each day we let go of something that holds us back while we simultaneously hold onto hope that something new will come. Paradoxically, it is our task as humans to do both.
“Each day we let go of something that holds us back while we simultaneously hold onto hope that something new will come.”
We can’t always know what the right path is; we can make our choices and hope for the best. And sometimes when we feel we’ve hit a wall, all we can do is feel our grief, our panic, and let these feelings flow until they are gone. Then wake up and try to listen to our internal center. Sometimes the message is murky, and we feel like we’re floundering; and sometimes the message is clear, and we walk through that new door.
And you? I’d love to hear how you get through your dark days. And what you notice when you emerge from them.
Tell me what you think.
Feelings Wheel, based on Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD.
Theory of Counseling. (2017). Professor Dr Tim Black (classroom communications).
This discussion about the older we are, the more complex we are, was one I had once with a counselor I worked with.
There is a time and place for communication. And to be clear about ourselves, we sometimes need to take care of our own emotions on our own first before sharing with others.
This post makes me think about divine feminine and masculine energy, something I work with a lot personally and in my coaching and leadership positions. Honest acknowledgement of our emotions, giving appropriate space and time to feel our feels, is all so important. But often we either bottle it or spew it chaotically, often not even knowing what the actual source of our emotions is. Thank you, Faith!
The one and only "solution": feel it! ;)