This week is the anniversary of my rape. I try not to think about it but inevitably it comes up. The first year I thought whew! I made it a year, then I woke up and went oh my god it was happening a year ago - now!
I put my runners on and went for a walk to clear my head.
How does one navigate this weird anniversary? After all, we don’t want to be prisoners to something that happened years ago but then again we don’t want to be in denial of any feelings that come up for us.
Denial is the enemy of healing.
Forcing yourself to be fine in the face of the repercussions of rape is not healthy. I find that while many elements of my healing process have been dealt with, there are still lingering effects, for example, a failed relationship with someone I really cared for, but he was not interested in being supportive of me. He repeatedly told me to get over things. Even as he was unable to control his temper.
It’s hard to be in a relationship with an emotionally volatile man - kind of brings up fear after already experiencing a man’s rage.
I can’t blame him but you know I wish he wouldn’t blame me.
So while I am “over” the rape, it still has ripples in my life, leftovers of other relationships that failed due to poor communication and rape myths that permeate our culture.
The experience of rape still has ripples in my life.
When will culture evolve? When will people want to learn how to be there for a survivor?
Don’t get me wrong. My healing is no one’s responsibility except my own. It’s up to me to soothe myself and communicate my needs. That is an ongoing process that I take full accountability for. But a man who wants to be in my bed? Well, you have to care about more than my pleasure.
You have to care about my feelings of safety.
I have found in these last few years as the date approaches, even if I push it aside, it’s still there. Denial doesn’t work.
Indulging doesn’t work either. But acknowledging does. This is my acknowledgment of what happened to me. It matters. This is the deal. It’s my trauma anniversary. This is where we are.
There is no shame in acknowledging that.
I am not talking about reliving or having severe flashbacks. If this is you, please know that your PTSD symptoms need to be attended to and supported. Here is a link to an article from Veterans Affairs about the severe PTSD and how it can show up in trauma anniversaries and here is a link for survivors of rape about severe responses. It’s important to receive treatment and assistance if you are experiencing the above.
I am talking about later in recovery, when you are mostly past the event, where thoughts of it no longer consume your life, but you notice you are having uncomfortable feelings and emotions as the anniversary approaches. If the people in your life are telling you that you should “get over it” and “move on, don’t indulge in remembering”, yes I agree you shouldn’t indulge.
But we are not talking about indulging. We are talking about honouring the profound change the event brought to your life. We are talking about respectful remembering.
We are talking about respectful remembering.
I believe that a person who downplays your trauma and the effect it has on you is someone who either:
A. Has had a somewhat charmed life where nothing bad has happened to them. Nothing really bad. I would say they are clueless because they don’t know how bad traumatic experiences can be. This doesn’t make them bad people. It makes them ignorant. And for those of us with trauma, we might say they are “blissfully ignorant” - since they get to go about their lives without the mind/body experience trauma gives you. Carry on, oh fortunate ones, but don’t tell us about our experiences!
OR
B. They are people who have severe trauma, but they have dealt with it by denying it and so they are angry or annoyed at anybody who is doing something different than what they are doing. Our acknowlegment reminds them of what they are pushing down - the thoughts and feelings that sometimes haunt them but they are determined to forget. It’s a way to live, but, in my opinion, it’s a muted way to live. And our very nature as humans means it’s impossible to entirely forget.
If you’re experiencing a trauma anniversary whether it’s this week - the time of mine - or you are reading this at a later time when it is your trauma anniversary, just know that it is normal to have uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and memories around it. It’s simply because before the trauma, you were a different person. The trauma changed you. After the traumatic experience, you had to adapt and heal and adjust and cope and move through a painful time of making sense of what happened to you.
Trauma changes you.
In a lot of ways, the traumatic event was a watershed. You thought your life was going in one direction and all of a sudden it changed irrevocably.
Of course, you would remember.
And so, in light of the changes you went through, because of your watershed moment, I invite you to try these three things:
Acknowledge. It’s your trauma anniversary. Just acknowledge that these few days leading up to and on the anniversary might be challenging. It might be hard to fully put your all into your goals and family and life right now and that’s okay. Next week will be different.
Be gentle. Show yourself some compassion this week. Know that you don’t have to fix everything, you’re a human being and it’s okay to have feelings. Read this post as a reminder.
Find and Do. Find an activity or person that helps you connect to your higher self or how you want to be. Do something out of the ordinary that doesn’t feel unsafe but feels like you’re taking action in some way that makes you feel good, slightly better, or more peaceful.
We’re not looking for rocket science or perfect healing. We’re looking at understanding the helix of healing. The helix of healing means we cycle through each time we revist a traumatic experience, but instead of being in a circle where you come back to the same place, the helix takes you to a different place, slightly higher, having learned something new about yourself and the world since the previous anniversary. We’re always different as we move through, whether it’s your first anniversary, second, third, fourth, or tenth anniversary.
The helix of healing means we cycle through, each time at a new place on the helix.
We’re cycling through the helix of healing in life.
I wish you peace as I seek my own.