Part of healing from trauma is change. I’d argue that Life is about change.
Living a conscious life means knowing when it’s time for a change.
Sometimes change is minor and sometimes it’s major. In terms of my publication here, it is major.
I am changing the name.
(I know. Try to resist clutching your pearls.)
Perhaps some of my perceptive subscribers noticed the new banner :). Princess and the Pea, Survivor Edition brought me here. For those of you here from the beginning, you subscribed perhaps because what I wrote resonated and the metaphor landed. Now I am changing, six months in. Maybe this is a little awkward and I hope it’s not too much of a shock, but hear me out. Those of you who are new, welcome. Let’s talk about healing. Let’s talk about change. What it means. And the discomfort that comes with it.
In short:
TL.DR: I want something more in line with who I am and what I am doing and less tied to a metaphor that, while still relevant, may not be the most accurate for where I’m at and where I’m going.
In the six months or so I’ve been on Substack, up until recently, I have published a research-supported personal essay weekly as well as a podcast, the audio version that included additional commentary. That’s 27 essays and 23 podcasts in 27 weeks for a total of 50 posts altogether. A few weeks ago, I found this rapid pace challenging to maintain and the (self-imposed) expectations no longer fitting what I’m trying to achieve in my work.
And by work, I mean my Work. My greater purpose. This Purpose is to unite my worlds.
Part of my Work in the world is being a therapist. This is my job, if you will. Back in October, it felt risky to reveal I am also a survivor of rape because of the image I feel is required of people such as myself in this profession. It can feel like I’m not allowed to be human and have experienced such a trauma, which some might consider a flaw or too personal to share. I would argue, however, it is because of sharing my personal lived experience, my “flaws,” as well as my ability to explain the psychological literature that makes my writing differently informed. Hopefully, this has helped you make sense of complicated concepts and issues impacting your life. Writing here has provided a medium for expressing where I am in my healing. I have walked a path - and I’ve studied the path. And it has been in sharing here that I’ve begun to make peace with my path.
“But I would argue, it is because of my lived experience, my ‘flaws,’ as well as my ability to explain the psychological literature that makes my writing differently informed.”
This publication is not changing in terms of content per se, but there will be a shift. I will still be writing about trauma healing and recovery but from a slightly different lens and not as regimented. Whereas up till now the writing has dealt with triggers and the trauma aftermath, now the view - a prism if you will - shifts. Triggers and “peas” might be explored, the crown of “survivor” acknowledged, but I no longer wish to be held to that narrative.
I want to expand beyond.
I want to explore what living a conscious life after trauma might look like. I believe this applies whether there is unresolved trauma or not. Living a conscious life is a way of being present with what is happening in the here-and-now. It’s a daily practice that we strive for among all the distractions and difficulties of life.
“Living a conscious life is a way of being present with what is happening in the here-and-now.”
Diabolic vs symbolic
“the devil, comes from the Greek word diabolos; ‘diabolic’ is the term in contemporary English. Diabolos … literally means ‘to tear apart.’ … this diabolic is the antonym to ‘symbolic.’… means to ‘throw together,’ to unite. There lie in these words tremendous implications with respect to an ontology of good and evil. The symbolic is that which draws together, ties, integrates the individual in himself and with his group; the diabolic, in contrast, is that which disintegrates and tears apart.” - Rollo May
While Rollo May1 didn’t use the word trauma in his description above, he provides an apt analogy for it. The diabolic is the traumatic event, as it shatters a person’s sense of self, a sense of identity. Diabolos breaks apart. It destroys feelings of wholeness, of unity, and the sense of being a part of something.
It is the symbolic which brings together. It is the healing force. The coming together of what had once been broken.
The metaphor grounding Princess and the Pea, Survivor Edition2 was useful in helping bring the pieces together so I could integrate them. It helped me feel more at peace with my stories and where the events of my life have brought me. It helped me break my silence. Writing has been personally transformative because I no longer feel boxed in by stories that others may see as shameful. I do not accept the shame anymore. I learned in sharing these stories I am not alone.
I have heard from some of you in private messages about your own experiences. There are many of us living life, trying to cope with our own dark days in a world that doesn’t understand the grief that comes after having suffered from the unspeakable. So having the metaphor helped provide a symbolic framework for working through trauma. But it is just the start.
“Writing has been personally transformative because I no longer feel boxed in by stories that others may see as shameful, as I do not accept the shame anymore.”
The breaking apart that is trauma shattered many elements of my life – relationships, career opportunities, ability to trust myself and others. Being able to write about it in this forum was one of the healing activities I did that helped me organize myself and bring my life back on track. Researching and writing was crucial in helping me feel more whole. I was able to “draw together” and “integrate” myself through my writing and through sharing with my group community (here with you). And this has brought a certain freedom in my life, released some restrictions that had been holding me back.
But while the Princess will remain the supportive presence who helped launch this publication, she will accept her place as the lovely Inspiration for this publication and as part of my healing. And she will transform into another energy, an energy that befits where we are going.
Where we’re going…
In trauma therapy, there are three phases: safety and stabilization, working through (trauma processing), and reconnection (thank you, Judith Herman).3
Through multiple avenues, I have worked to provide the first two phases for myself. I feel that I am entering the reconnection phase. That’s not to say people in trauma recovery don’t cycle through the phases again – trauma recovery is not linear. It is highly complex and depends on many factors that are outside the scope of writing here today. But suffice to say, it is normal to cycle through these phases: safety, processing, and reconnection. But being in reconnection means I have a new focus for my life and it’s not about working through or processing; it’s about connection.
“It is normal to cycle through these phases: safety, processing, and reconnection.”
The new name
The new name better reflects my connection to my Work and the meaning behind it.
Part of my pause from writing in the past weeks was because I was honestly burned out from reaching into my traumatic stories every week. Even though they were in service of educating and sharing, they were still emotionally taxing. At some point writing no longer helped me move forward, but held me back. It became almost a compulsion, taking me away from what I am doing now: integrating my Work. Uniting my worlds. And this, dear friends, is what brings me back to the Whole, the integration of myself, the reconnection. I have spent the past few months resurrecting a dance movement therapy program I created years ago. Dance and movement, as may not be a surprise to those of you who have read my work, has been a key to my healing and recovery from trauma. It is my essential medicine.
And so, in developing my program, I am integrating the different parts of me: the therapist, the writer, the dancer, and the survivor. Reconnecting to what I want for my life. Staying with the traumatic stories week after week began to feel like a burden, no longer a passion project fueling me, they became a must-do, must excavate because I promised. I promised. Yes, I built this to educate and express. But things change. I Changed.
And this brings me to the christening of my new name…
Drum roll, please
New Name: In Conscious Motion.
What I love about the image for this publication is that the princess/queen is on a quest – a quest for knowledge, a quest for truth. And the fact is she is moving. She is going somewhere. I love this about her. It’s why I chose this image so many months ago. And what is uniquely interesting is she is going in an unexpected direction. I suppose I could have flipped the image, made her go towards the right, as opposed to towards the left. It might feel like she’s going the wrong way. Here in the West we are programmed to read from left to right; it can feel awkward when an image or writing forces us to go the opposite way.
“What is uniquely interesting is she is going in an unexpected direction.”
But maybe she is going against the grain. Against what’s expected of her in society. She is forging a path that is true for her, even if it’s a little awkward.
Wherever she is going, she is the essence of consciousness in motion.
She is in conscious motion.
So… In Conscious Motion is about our personal striving to live consciously as we move through life, while integrating the pieces that remain to be reconnected. Because this is all we got. We are always in motion. From one moment to the next, we are moving. We cannot go back to a life from 5 minutes ago, 5 weeks ago, 5 months ago, 5 years ago, 5 decades ago.
“In Conscious Motion is about our personal striving to live consciously in motion, while integrating the pieces that remain to be reconnected.”
We are in constant motion, hurtling through space on a Big Rock. We are never in the same place twice. Since we are in constant motion anyways, does it not make sense that if we want to effect change on our lives, we must attend to the places that keep us stuck, the compulsions that make us feel safe and secure, but are perhaps hindering the change and progress we seek to make?
What compulsions do you have that keep you safe and secure - and stuck?
The way forward is to be aware, to be conscious, as we travel along in our own worlds.
In Conscious Motion
With this new name, I intend my writing to reflect this idea: we are striving to live a conscious life - not perfect, not always getting it right - but with intention, coming from personal authenticity whether we are in recovery from trauma or not.
The words on the logo may not look right for awhile, as I myself find them strange. I will likely miss the Princess and the Pea, Survivor Edition name from time to time. And yet that discomfort in the change is part of the Essence of Change. We must learn to live through the discomfort as we forge on with Something New.
In this way, perhaps we can say that I am consciously awkward as I move through this change.
It may be uncomfortable. It may feel risky.
But making no change and staying with something that no longer feels authentic is risky too.
So glad you are here on the journey with me.
Did this post make you consider what you want to change (that may feel unchangeable?)
Rollo May (1969). Love and Will.
I also want to release the original children’s story. A part of me still felt uncomfortable using the title from the original story to talk about trauma. It didn’t feel right.
Judith Herman (1993). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror.
I think you are wise to make it more authentic to what you are hoping to achieve. There is nothing wrong with changing your name. Life is in process. I like the new name. I have had to step back from always sticking to the fairy tale theme for similar reasons. Little Red is for my purposes still the symbol of those abused in the name of love, but I can’t fit everything into that frame. For now, I’m keeping it, but I have had extended periods where I didn’t write because fairytales usually make a point, but are narrow scopes. Looking forward to your continued commentary. Blessings on your new name!
Nice changes, and love the new banner and artwork. 💜